All of a sudden I could feel the heat rise up in me as the darkness closed in. Suffocating me but somehow the doctor kept speaking. How could he? Couldn’t he feel the air getting thin too?
The heaviness of the moment was crushing me but he just kept sharing the news like it was another day at the office.
I didn’t grow up wanting to be a mama. Dolls weren’t my thing. I never held anyone’s baby and to be honest I ran away from kids under about 4 years old.
But, entering into the covenant of marriage caused something to shift in me. God birthed a new desire in me to have a family.
So of course it felt like the rug got jerked out from under me when the doctor, sympathetically but ever so casually, told me having kids of my own wouldn’t be in the cards for me. Too much scar tissue inside me is what he said.
That was 27 years ago. Somedays it feels like another lifetime ago. Other days it feels like yesterday.
But God…He makes the impossible possible!
Even as I was fighting to keep my head above water with the news from the doctor I knew I still had that mustard seed of faith in me. I collapsed onto my bed and yelled at God. Yep, I’m admitting it right here in writing. I was mad at God! How could He give me this desire, one I didn’t come by naturally, and then close the door. I didn’t hold anything back as I told God off in no uncertain terms.
Then as the anger started to subside a strange, sweet surrender entered in.
Lord, You didn’t give me this desire for no reason. So it’s up to You to bring good from this situation. I don’t know what that looks like but I surrender my hopes, plans and dreams to you. You lead Father and I will follow. Whatever my future looks like for a family, I CHOOSE to praise YOU Lord. Help me keep choosing that daily regardless of the outcome. In Jesus name, amen.
I hesitate to share the next part as my heart goes out to women (and men) who struggle with infertility. Please hear my heart. God doesn’t love one person more because our journeys are different.
I’m not sure how long I laid on that bed but the feeling of complete surrender is one I’ll never forget. So, I got up and called some prayer warrior women I knew and asked for them to lay hands on me and pray for my family.
Another blessing tucked inside of heartache. These women! My Aaron and Hur when I needed them most. Mama’s who stood in the gap for me.
But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. Exodus 17:12 ESV
Our latest YouTube video gives me all the feels. Because it’s of my now 25 year old son doing what he loves so much!!
He is truly a gift from God and I’m thankful for him every day. I look forward to watching God’s plans for his life unfold.
If you’re angry with God over hurts, disappointments, years of prayers that feel unanswered bring it all to the table with Him. He already knows so go ahead and spill it out there for Him. Let Him carry the weight of it.
If you’re struggling right now please reach out. I’m ready and willing to stand in the gap for you!! There is a sisterhood of Aaron and Hur faith filled women out there ready to hold you up when you need it most!